It’s a question no police officer wants to face, but one that many may have to answer: “How do you tell your children you were involved in a shooting?” This question was posed to me by a friend, knowing I had personal experience with this horrifying situation. It forced me to consider how best to approach such a sensitive and impactful conversation.
Given that approximately 27 percent of all officers will discharge their weapon during their career, and many officer-involved shootings (OIS) result in serious bodily injury or death, there’s surprisingly little guidance on how to share these details with loved ones, especially children. The impact of such events on marriage and family can be profound.
First, let me share what not to do, based on my own experience. The biggest mistake you can make is allowing children – regardless of their age – to overhear conversations not intended for them. My adult son, Jordan, recounts our “lessons learned” from his perspective as a nine-year-old in his first-person account, “THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING AFTER MY DAD WAS NEARLY KILLED.” Reading it might evoke both laughter and tears at our expense.
Now that I’ve highlighted what not to do, let’s consider some factors to keep in mind. Just as an OIS is multifaceted, so is the aftermath when it comes to maintaining emotional stability within the family.
When discussing an OIS with children, it’s crucial to have a realistic understanding of your family dynamics. Consider these questions:
In my own experience, I often discussed work at home, but avoided the graphic details of violent or explicit cases. Instead, I focused on the day-to-day encounters and newsworthy events, presented in a PG/PG-13 narrative. Before the OIS I was involved in, I believed our home environment was healthy and secure. We had a strong nuclear family with plenty of positive interaction. My wife and I prioritized creating a safe and emotionally secure space for our children, which included practicing our faith and surrounding ourselves with supportive friends.
On occasion, when involved in a life-threatening or life-saving event, I shared a limited, sanitized version of what happened. This provided them with a realistic, albeit somewhat sterile, perspective, which I felt was important. While some officers prefer not to share anything about their work at home, this approach worked for our family. Furthermore, openly discussing law enforcement activities created opportunities to teach valuable life lessons, using my experiences as “Exhibit A” to drive home the point.
Regardless of your prior approach to sharing work-related information, an OIS will inevitably become public knowledge. There will be internal and external investigations, review boards, and inquiries. It’s far better to control the narrative than to have it control you. Ultimately, legal professionals will determine if the use of force was justified. This process is a significant burden and shouldn’t be hidden away. While the officer can’t control the investigation itself, they are responsible for sharing details with chosen loved ones, as it will significantly impact their lives.
Therefore, it’s better to “drive the news” than have it steer you into the side of a mountain.
When a police officer is involved in a shooting, the roles are reversed. Instead of investigating others, the officer is now under investigation. This can be an incredibly uncomfortable and stressful experience, impacting interpersonal dynamics both on and off duty. Therefore, officers need to develop a strategy to cope with this new reality.
Choosing to suppress emotions and isolate oneself after an OIS can be detrimental. I strongly recommend that officers discuss the pros and cons of such decisions with mentors, peer support groups, and professional counselors. While sharing every detail with the world isn’t advisable, seeking wise counsel from a trusted circle is essential. Since most officers rarely experience multiple shootings during their careers, the aftermath of an OIS is often new and unique. Reaching out to qualified listeners is crucial.
So, returning to the original question: How do you tell your children you were involved in a shooting? Or do you choose not to share the news at all? These are complex questions with no easy answers. Factors such as age, maturity level, emotional disposition, and coping mechanisms all play a significant role. What works in one situation may be disastrous in another. That’s why seeking wise counsel and advice specific to your circumstances is vital. And by “wise counsel,” I mean advice from someone whose own life demonstrates sound judgment and stability.
Whatever approach you choose, infuse it with love. Children are highly perceptive and pick up on both positive and negative cues from their parents. When a parent experiences a life-altering event, it creates a ripple effect. The responsible adult needs to help the child maintain a sense of security. In my own family, two of my three children were largely unaffected by the OIS. However, my youngest son experienced significant anxiety, fearing my life was still in danger. It took weeks to understand his fears and months to restore his sense of security. That’s why I believe a stabilizing security blanket of love is the greatest protection against fear and anxiety.