Grief is a universal human experience, yet navigating how to support someone through it can be challenging. Kay Warren, wife of Rick Warren (pastor of Saddleback Church) and author of “The Purpose Driven Life,” offers valuable advice based on her personal experience. Kay is also the author of bestsellers like “Sacred Privilege,” “Choose Joy,” and “Dangerous Surrender.” Her insights are particularly poignant given her experience as a grieving mother after her youngest son, Matthew, died by suicide in 2013.
Having known the Warrens for many years, and with my wife having served on staff at Saddleback Church, Matthew’s passing deeply affected us. He was a compassionate young man who cared deeply for others. The pain caused by his mental illness and his ultimate suicide was profound. Kay’s advice is incredibly personal and relevant, especially given the recent tragedies our country has faced. Whether we are first responders or simply friends, we are called to be God’s hands and feet to those who are suffering.
Kay learned that while many people offer help and comfort during times of grief, some well-intentioned words can unintentionally cause further pain. Here is her advice on what to avoid:
Eliminate the phrase “at least.” Using this phrase often minimizes the person’s grief. Minimizing their loss can lead to resentment. Examples include: “At least you had him for 27 years,” or “At least you know he’s in heaven.” While these statements might seem comforting, the “at least” suggestions are endless and often hurtful. “At least you can get married again,” or “At least you can have more children.” These sentences, while well-intentioned, can invalidate the depth of their sorrow. Each time we use “at least,” we are essentially telling the grieving person that their grief isn’t significant.
Eliminate sentences like, “God must have wanted him more in heaven than he wanted him here on earth;” “Now your loved one is an angel in heaven;” “It must be God’s will.” Kay advises caution with these phrases, as they can inflict further wounds. They are often theologically incorrect and can portray God as a cosmic bully who “needed” the deceased more. In reality, the loss could be due to human evil (e.g., mass shootings). While God is in control, “murder” is not part of His will. If it were, the commandment “thou shall not murder” would not exist.
Comfort the grieving person and be a silent presence. Sometimes, there are simply no words that need to be said. People often become uncomfortable with silence and try to fill it with words that can do more harm than good. Just being there, offering a supportive presence, can be incredibly valuable.
Offer a hug and other signs of compassion. Physical touch can convey warmth that words cannot express. Saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” acknowledges their sorrow and demonstrates that you are joining them in their grief. Showing compassion through acts of kindness, cards, flowers, or helping with necessary tasks expresses sincere acknowledgment of their pain as they navigate their grief.
Let the grieving person know you are praying for them. Despite negative comments about prayer, a person in true grief will likely not be offended by this expression of empathy. It conveys that you recognize their loss and avoids minimizing their pain. Whether the person believes in prayer or not, the loving expression of humanity offered by someone willing to pray is meaningful. Kay Warren shares this advice in a brief video:
You can read more about her grief journey in Christianity Today.\
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