Sports franchises are typically named after elements closely tied to their geographical location, reflecting local culture, history, or prominent features. Law enforcement, on the other hand, often associates specific crime trends with particular areas. This article playfully explores what happens when these two concepts collide: renaming sports franchises based on the reputations major cities have garnered due to criminal activity and related law enforcement issues.
During a recent road trip between Texas and California, the author’s mind began to wander. While listening to Pandora and observing the numerous burn marks along Interstate 10 (evidence of vehicle fires), an idea sparked: to rename sports teams based on the less-than-desirable reputations of their cities.
Having spent years immersed in police-related news, the author had become acutely aware of the unbecoming reputations some major U.S. cities have acquired, often stemming from policies enacted by city and state leaders. Thus, a game was born.
Here’s a list of renamed sports franchises, along with explanations for each choice:
San Francisco Sanctuaries: While several cities could vie for this title, San Francisco’s sanctuary city policies, coupled with a visible homelessness crisis, have contributed to the city’s decline. The name “Sanctuaries” is a concise representation of this reality. An alternative, “Justice-Involved Persons,” was considered, reflecting the city’s evolving terminology for criminals, but ultimately deemed too verbose.
Oakland Violators: This renaming is primarily inspired by Oakland’s mayor, who has openly defied federal law by publicizing Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) operations, allowing illegal-immigrant-criminals to evade capture. It’s worth noting that both the Raiders and Warriors have relocated, effectively eliminating the need for a sports franchise name in this crime-ridden area. Perhaps they should have considered police lives matter more.
Los Angeles Homeless: The pervasive homeless crisis in Los Angeles has created a significant health and safety challenge for law enforcement. The sheer scale of the problem makes “Homeless” a fitting, albeit grim, moniker for the city’s sports teams.
San Diego Border Crossers: A slightly more politically correct take, this name acknowledges San Diego’s role as a major entry point for illegal immigration into the United States. While “Illegal Immigrants” was a consideration, the reality is that individuals who have entered the country illegally are now dispersed throughout the nation, making “Border Crossers” a more geographically specific identifier. This is a direct result of failed politics.
Seattle Community Members: Seattle’s unique approach to law enforcement, where police officers are instructed to use the term “community members” instead of “suspects” in use-of-force reports, inspired this renaming. A convicted felon born in San Francisco but residing in Seattle would, therefore, be a “justice involved person residing as a community member.”
Portland Antifas: No other name seems as appropriate for Portland, a city synonymous with Antifa activity. While the group’s violent actions may eventually lead to its designation as a terrorist organization, for now, “Antifas” accurately reflects the mayor’s tolerance of their destructive behavior.
Chicago Killers: If Chicago’s sports teams could “kill it” as effectively as its criminals, they would be perennial championship contenders. The name is a stark reflection of the city’s high crime rate. The city needs police work to matter again.
Baltimore Murderers: The name “Bullets” was previously retired for the city’s basketball franchise, so it was avoided here, despite the city’s high homicide rate justifying its re-use. Instead, “Murderers” was chosen to represent the “justice involved-community members” responsible for the city’s violence.
Philadelphia Taunters: The brazen behavior of anti-law enforcement individuals who taunted police officers during an active gun battle that wounded six officers inspired this name. “Philadelphia Taunters” captures the essence of this disturbing trend.
St. Louis Gravediggers: St. Louis’s murder rate surpasses even those of Chicago and Baltimore, necessitating the frequent services of gravediggers. Hence, the moniker for the city’s sports team.
New York Socialists: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s vocal opposition to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is the inspiration behind this renaming.
Boston Progressives: Elizabeth Warren’s belief that Michael Brown was murdered (despite evidence to the contrary) is the basis for this choice. It’s important to remember that Michael Brown’s death was a justified homicide, and the “Hands up, don’t shoot” narrative is false.
Denver Potsmokers: A playful nod to Colorado’s relaxed marijuana laws and the prevalence of cannabis use in the state.
Kansas City Browns: While St. Louis might be more deserving of a name referencing Michael Brown, they previously had a franchise called the Browns. Since the state of Missouri produced the criminal who gave rise to the “Ferguson Effect,” Kansas City inherits the name.
Washington Marchers: While not all marchers in Washington D.C. are anti-law enforcement, a significant portion are, justifying the renaming of the city’s sports franchise.
Miami Florida Man: The endless stream of bizarre news stories originating from Florida, often featuring outlandish behavior, makes “Florida Man” a fitting name for Miami’s sports teams.
The game extended beyond this list, but the remaining suggestions are unsuitable for publication. The author encourages readers to share their own ideas and suggestions in the comments section, fostering a bit of dark humor.
Author’s Note: This article is not intended to trivialize murder or inflict further pain on victims and their families. The goal is to shed light on these tragedies and advocate for better leadership. The pain and suffering in inner-city America are real, and ineffective, corrupt leaders are a major contributing factor. Voters in these cities must demand change by holding their elected officials accountable.